She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
