is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
