I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
