1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i think my mom watched the whole time
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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