Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
