so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
