Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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