No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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