I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
