i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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