Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
