I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
