Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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