she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
