New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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