I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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