Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
