Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
