Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
