I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
