I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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