woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
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