if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
