The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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