I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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