I smell stomach acid.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
