awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
