Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
