I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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