so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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