Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
