So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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