i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
