i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
