I could have mohawked her pubes.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
