he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
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Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
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Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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