i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
We need to get me chipped asap
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
