My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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