Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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