when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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