I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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