I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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