It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
me + whiskey = a bad person
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
