At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
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Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
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don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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