its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Found the puke drawer
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
