My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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