I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
