I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Pappa wants mamma naked
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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