Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
