whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
