He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
