I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize