and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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