I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
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The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
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Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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