So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
