Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
