I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
