i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
