I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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