sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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