wanna go halves on a baby?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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