I think i peed on brittanys purse
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
